I will love you forever......

I haven't written on this thing forever. Lately, life is changing at a fast pace and I am wrestling with the changes. I love the book I love you forever. It is a children's book that takes you through a life of a mom and son. Changes happen in our children. Changes that we don't really like. Changes that can change their path in life and we try as much as we can to get them back on the right track. What is the right track? I can tell you in my life it is the safe path that causes the least amount of pain. For them: it is finding the path that expresses who they are. This path is uncertain and not as safe. For the most part they don't stray too far away but still it is different.
This world is changing and compromise is the norm. Lately conversations turn into debates and all I can do anymore is stay quiet. Or cry. I have taken to crying a lot. Tears come easy as I look at what dangers are out there and how my words no longer carry the weight they used to. Tears of frustration because each generation strives to be "Cooler" than the past and then live with the regrets because the compromise is even greater for the next generation. Too late. We started the ball rolling.
I see postings of people campaigning to oppose taking "God" out of our money and they have not read the Bible nor attended church for years. They took God out of their lives years ago and now because they are afraid they send out forwards. It is frustrating.
For the most part I am just frustrated that I cannot control my world! I have peace that as my world spins out of control, God is in control. That I don't doubt. So whether He is on our money or in our schools by way of our government- I don't doubt He is there! He is there inside of every heart of every believer. That is what gives me hope for my family and this wacky world we live in. Peace

A promise is a promise

Thursday we go to CPS and talk about getting Anthony back in our home. I am a little nervous. I think that we all learned a lot about ourselves but he has grown from a little boy to becoming a man. That will be weird for us. I ask if you read this to pray that God's will be done. Thanks

"I'm a big girl Mom"

These are the words I was told by one of my daughters when she was ten. Now it is time to apply the words to her life. Wow! Letting go is hard! Trusting the Lord to care for your children is probably my biggest struggle. As they begin their journey I have to let go and that can be hard because as they want me to let go, they want me to tell them what to do.
So my prayer lately as gone like this:
Dear Lord,
You told me years ago that you were loaning me the girls. That they are yours. You have challenged me to trust you to care for them. But Lord, when they fall, I ask you to pick them up. When I want to rescue them, you will keep me from doing it. I am at your mercy. Amen"

Don't drink the water

A long time ago, a friend of mine told me a story. My friend was the type of person most did not want to be around. He was socially disconnected in some areas but there is wisdom to this story. It sort went like this (My memory is not what it used to be)

There was a man who moved into a community. The man noticed that the people were a bit odd. When the man tried the water he discovered it wasn't very good. In fact, it made him feel odd. So he stopped drinking it and told others not to drink it. But the people just laughed at him. He kept trying to warn them that the water was making them do crazy things. At first the people were patient then became annoyed, claiming he was crazy, and they didn't speak to the man.

The man lived alongside the people watching them get crazier and crazier but he still resisted. This went on for some time and finally the man realized he was tired of being alone. He wanted to be with others. And even though he knew the water would make him crazy- he drank it anyway.

I am beginning to see some prophecy in this story. Tie in our current circumstances in this world and see that we are all close to drinking the water. Maybe it isn't crazy water but water of fear. Fear of poverty, disease, hunger and natural disaster. Fear is driving us to give up our freedom. Fear is taking our eyes off of Jesus and looking to man to be the answer. Fear is causing us to give up willingly our freedom to be safe. Sadly, this loss of freedom will steal our safety. Fear is destroying us and if you don't drink the water, you are seen as out of touch or a trouble maker.

Question is an old one: How long can you keep from drinking the water? 1 John 4:13-21 speaks on the subject of fear. We need to trust in the Lord. We need to see some of the things happening as warnings and turn to Jesus not to man. We need to burden our hearts with the things burdening others but look to the Lord for the answers. As we do this we see His hand in everything. We will look odd to the world because we have not turned to man for the answers.
I know this because fear has been a driving force in my life. I have gone to the feet of Jesus many times and gained strength from Him. When my flesh wants to run, my soul says stay....stand your ground because within you dwells the victor!Jesus.

My biggest prayer right now is that we don't run and lose our freedom but we stand an call upon Jesus!He is the healer, provider and ruler of the world!

Happy Easter Brenda!

"Christ wants to offer us the means of putting our love for Him into action. He becomes hungry,not only for bread but for love. He becomes naked, not only for a piece of clothing but for love that understands, for human dignity. He becomes dispossessed, not only for a place of shelter but for the sincere and deep love for another." Mother Teresa. Thank you Brenda for your constant source of encouragement to me and others. You are truly an inspiration, my friend!

Where did all the fun go?

Ok, I don't know if it is too much caffeine or just a genuine frustration. Lately, I have been wrestling with the whole concept that bunnies and chocolate Easter eggs are bad. I also have wondered if Santa and stockings are from the devil. I say no and here is why:

1. Kids mark time by their senses. They remember the cute dresses they wore, the eggs they uncovered in the yard, the presents they unwrapped. They remember the smell of spring at Easter or the Christmas trees and the roaring fireplace at Christmas. This is what they remember. Some of my best memories are those very things.

2. Kids need to be kids. The fun of running around retrieving prizes in the yard is awesome!

3. Kids can tag those experiences above to the story of Jesus. A fun loving Jesus who laughs with them. They don't do this by taking all the fun above and labeling it as "bad". It is up to the parent to share Jesus and not just on these holidays. ALL THE TIME!

Another thing that burns me is we take these fun activities from little children and think we are starting a healthy foundation for our children.

BUT...... Then so many churches have outreaches on Halloween and defend them to their dying day as outreach. There is no significance of this day to a Christian. NONE and then we take them out with gobblins, witches and Freddy Kruger and call it "outreach". Hmmm. When my girls were 6 and 8 they didn't want to go anymore because it was scary. They just wanted candy! So we gave them candy.
Now what does this day relate to: Sacrifices, the occult. But what a great outreach day!

Fast forward to our teen age students. I have heard people say teens should go to parties_ to do outreach...... Hang with the underage drinkers because....no your not going to be tempted. Watch any and every movie you want..... But for the small children.....no bunnies and no santa.... it is not Christian.

Get my issue here?

Jesus doesn't care about the bows, bunnies and Santa's as long as while the little children are having fun.....we let Him walk with us.

If as an adult, we are believing bunnies and Santa ARE the holiday....that is on us.

And do you know why it makes me most angry?..... I fell for this thinking! sorta. I happen to like the bunnies, baskets and bows. I happen to like the "gifts" at holidays. I happen to love having Jesus laughing with us. I remember my precious daughters in their beautiful dresses anticipating the holiday. I remember their faces as they opened the gifts and discovered their Easter baskets. I also remember my heart being touched by the Gospel in each of these occasions. I remember sitting them on my lap and telling them about the Jesus who was with them everyday and loved them dearly.

We really have to stop stealing joy from our small children and grow up as adults. We, as adults, need to take on the heavy stuff and prepare them as they grow for what is expected as they grow. I have yet to see a cult form worshipping Santa nor the Easter Bunny but satan.....yes.

Ahh now I feel better.

Lets just say....

I have trust issues. I check and recheck things to make sure they are going the way I planned. I make sure my money is safe. I make sure my kids are safe. I question things. Then this morning I found I was ripped off by someone. I don't know this person he intercepted a check I sent to a friend in Zambia. He changed the amount, date and then wrote who it was to go to in Chinese. My amount went from 150 to 5500. So as I am sitting at the computer with my hair sticking out in all directions- I see that everything is gone from our account. Checking and savings. And our credit card was used for overdraft protection, to the LIMIT! My hair was sticking out and then even more so.
I panic as any normal person would and call immediately. The soothing words of the person on the other end. Oh, that is fraud. It is OK we will credit you back and take care of this. Person in China BEWARE! they will find you and make you sorry you did that to us! Well most likely the bank will have to absorb the debt. I have a copy of the original check. So whapppp! my extra security measures played out this time. Now to deal with the even bigger trust issues that have developed because of my experience.

Dear God

Tonight I hear the fatherless crying out... Who will rescue them....I have fatherless boys reaching the fatherless and all I can ask is where are the fathers of this community? I don't need someone to start their own ministry to reach the very same kids we touch but I need men to step up and take the lead to walk with me and be willing to give to kids who need dads. Positive male role models.
God....where are they?
You promise that the fathers will reunite with their families and all I see are mothers living in poverty, trying to keep a roof over their children's heads. Where are they?
Drugs, abuse all could be stifled in the life of a boy if..... they had a good male role model. I see it all the time. Kids don't flock to me as much as a strong man who loves the Lord. Someone who will hang out with them, not preach to them and leave...but...be their friend....show them how to be a man.....
I am sure I am not alone in this prayer. I am sure many women that are trying to raise up the children are wondering why their bed is empty and where is the man who helped them create the children. Even though creating a child does not make a man.... where are they? I cry out for the fatherless..... I stand in the gap for these boys and girls who need a protector and friend. Father please, send me men to minister to the fatherless.

What is it?

So I am at a crossroads in my life. I will see my youngest graduate this May. I have successfully completed one job in my life. Being a mom and a wife I believe was the most important thing I could have ever spent my time and energy on. I love being a mom and that does not end with a graduation. Now I look forward and see freedom and I am intimidated. I don't know what is next. I don't know what to pursue.
I keep seeking the Lord and He is strangely silent. I know one thing is I can't wait to be debt free. Ha ha. Every time we look at that possibility something else comes up. Why is it that I have not been the person who knew exactly what they are supposed to be doing? Each new direction I have sensed a burden but not this time. In the past, I kinda fell into a position and knew I was to be there but I can't say that I knew it all along. So as I look at the open sky filled with opportunities- I wait to see what is next in my life.

Two things stood out for me today

1. A friend from Zambia wrote me concerned for me and the currents economics. I am humbled by the compassion of my friend who is surrounded by loss. I found myself thinking about how much we have and am embarrassed to share our suffering since it seems like so little in comparison. I have learned so much from my trips over to Africa and what a person needs and doesn't need.
2. A friend asked me to pray for her family because her cousin was murdered in Juarez. Again, humbled because so much suffering goes on all around us. The numbers of deaths in Juarez is staggering. My heart hurts for my friends. Not numbers or statistics but somebody's family member.
So much to ponder today. So much to thank God for in my life. So much love to recieve and give before my days are over. Be blessed because we truly are.

Loosely committed.

I am afraid we have created a generation that does not know what commitment means. If things are not working then we tend to give up. Marriage is no longer seen as a permanent commitment. In fact, if you are not happy then it is Ok to get out of a marriage. No matter that your kids suffer and odds are the next relationship will not make you happy all of the time either.
Kids have "friends with benefits" which means they can make out whenever they want and not feel the least bit bad about it since it is just sex. I think it is sad that we as married couples have not been honest that all marriages go through hard times. Times of questioning your love for your spouse and maybe even forgetting why you married in the first place. It takes work and it takes commitment even when your feelings are not what they used to be. It is through this time that you can choose to give your marriage and feelings over to the Lord and work through the rough patch or give up. I think those who end up on the other side of working it through will tell you that they grew closer when they allowed themselves to pray for the other person.
Commitment is not based on feelings nor on convenience. Commitment is loyalty that goes beyond the flaws you may see and is a great desire to lift the other person up, even when you don't feel like it. Commitment requires us to be selfless and not selfish. Jesus is that example and we should look at that more often.

Out of my comfort zone

Last night I took 5 teenage special needs kids to a Young Life Capernaum club. It was a trip. One boy laughed all the way to the club. He was dancing in his seat and just having a great time. Another girl was heart broken after club because a leader didn't love her. He was funny and she decided she loved him. So she left all sad and broken hearted and told me so. She quickly recovered. It is so fun watching the kids just be teenagers. But teenagers with an honesty and freedom that is not like the other kids. When they are sad - they let you know. And if they get the opportunity to dance they will dance! It was uncomfortable because I did not know them but great because they really didn't care if I did or not. The kids knew each other.
They played games and had a lot of fun. I think for the kids it is a place that they have to learn to trust. Crazy games where people are laughing with them and not at them is different than high school. The kids will spend the weekend with family and most likely not friends. Their freedom is in the mind only- they will not be as free as the other kids. They see themselves as teenagers but the world can't see beyond their uniqueness. So I was blessed to be their transportation to a place where they were free to be themselves. I know God delights in the kids and their club each time they meet. So beautiful and simple and I am blessed to know people in the city that went all out for about 20 people with special needs. Capernaum leaders rock!

Almost gone

Last night I woke up and felt like me finger was a rock. Seriously no feeling and it was just limp. I had been sleeping on my hand and my ring had cut off the circulation. If I had not woken up I could have lost my finger. It took a few hours to feel my finger. Not good. Well I had been having my hand fall asleep for months. Now I know it was the rings cutting off my circulation. There is still an indent in my finger. Imagine how I would look running around without my right pointer finger. Now I could turn this to a philosophical learning lesson, but I am not. I am just thankful I woke up and took the blasted ring off!

Waiting can be a killer

Patience....wait.....wait......wait and then wait some more. I think I spend more time in my life waiting ......waiting and waiting some more. Big stuff that takes time. So yesterday I met with a person who is quickly becoming one of my favorite people. We are doing a Bible study together Experiencing God. We are at a place where we were talking about .....waiting. Patience and allowing God to do his work. We came to conclusion that God is at work and when we rush the process we don't wait until He is finished and then we end up in heap of a mess. So as I wait today, I am reminded that waiting is part of the process. So I wait.

Are we watching?

From the White House websiteStatement released after the President rescinds "Mexico City Policy"Yesterday, President Obama rescinded the "Mexico City Policy" and released the following statement:It is clear that the provisions of the Mexico City Policy are unnecessarily broad and unwarranted under current law, and for the past eight years, they have undermined efforts to promote safe and effective voluntary family planning in developing countries. For these reasons, it is right for us to rescind this policy and restore critical efforts to protect and empower women and promote global economic development.For too long, international family planning assistance has been used as a political wedge issue, the subject of a back and forth debate that has served only to divide us. I have no desire to continue this stale and fruitless debate.It is time that we end the politicization of this issue. In the coming weeks, my Administration will initiate a fresh conversation on family planning, working to find areas of common ground to best meet the needs of women and families at home and around the world.I have directed my staff to reach out to those on all sides of this issue to achieve the goal of reducing unintended pregnancies. They will also work to promote safe motherhood, reduce maternal and infant mortality rates and increase educational and economic opportunities for women and girls.In addition, I look forward to working with Congress to restore U.S. financial support for the U.N. Population Fund. By resuming funding to UNFPA, the U.S. will be joining 180 other donor nations working collaboratively to reduce poverty, improve the health of women and children, prevent HIV/AIDS and provide family planning assistance to women in 154 countries.
(This funding could be to the tune of $406 Million dollars) (Life is life people) War is evil and so is death of infants) MY COMMENTS: I was up way too early this morning thinking on this issue. For some reason a seed came to mind. Like the little dixie cups we got when we were small with a seed in it. We were to take it home and watch it grow. The diagrams of when the seed shows a little shoot. That seed is putting forth life. Farmers count on this life growing to produce our fruits and vegetables. We see the life in that seed. I loved watching something come from a seed. I was excited when it broke the soil and started to grow taller. I knew that was life even when I was small. Now we debate as to when life starts in a human. Similar process. But we debate what farmers have seen as life in a plant for thousands of years. Are we really that ignorant? My mom got pregnant at 15, her first instinct was to end it before anyone knew. That is a natural response. She didn't and my brother was born. Then four more of us. If she would have been able to react on her first reaction - none of us would have been born. Soon a girl at 15 will be allowed to go and have an abortion without parental consent. That is a goal. The girl is isolated and then allowed to make a decision that will affect the rest of her life. How can we fund to the tune of $406 million internationally to promote or help assist in aborting babies? I get annoyed by the protests and the pictures of dead babies put on walls by Pro Life people but man when do we stop interfering in people's lives. We will willinging cry out for the release of criminals at Gitmo(By the way they may be placed in our prisons recruiting from a very receptive audience.) (One prisoner admits to beheading someone, maybe a person shown online for the world to see) Protest a war, but remain silent on the issue of INTERNATIONAL ABORTION FUNDING! Death is death no matter what side of the political fence you sit on. How dare we think we have the right to play God (Which by the way will be discussed in a generic way publically, God (No Jesus friends). Do you know how many wells could be drilled with 406 million dollars or food purchased or homes built? OH and to add to the stimulus package lets throw in family planning. If people believe in those things- DONATE PRIVATELY> Support Pro-choice and give a monthly donation but don't take it out of my pocket! Conservative am I? Maybe but only because I have touched the faces of precious children who deserve to live in other countries. I do not want to play God and determine who dies based on what Americans determine is quality of life. The whole situation breaks my heart as well as the Father who created us all. In Zambia, I support a little girl who had a cleft pallet. She was looked upon as evil and just seen in a very dark light. She had one dress and no underwear. This little girl was not accepted by all the other children, except my friend Bean. She would sit by me- the other kids glared at her. I tucked her in under my arm. She did not get to go to school. She looked scary and was seen as a waste of life by so many. She looked for safety- I put her under my wing, giving her favor for that moment. Most would see her as a throw away kid. Fast forward two years. I pay for her to attend school. She is about 7 and first time going to school was last year. Another organization came in and performed surgery and closed the gap on her lip. She is no longer a freak to others because Jesus chose to give her favor. Prayers were being sent out for her. And now in her future she has a story- HIStory. As we abort the children, we will lose the opportunity to see HIStory. Mildred is in my photos before the surgery with my friend Bean. I want to see others invest in a future not snuff it out. Human life matters! Even at the smallest seed. Anyway I am wrestling this out because I dont normally take issue with this because it seems so hopeless. Early this morning faces streamed through my mind and they cry out. This will be a main focus of prayer for me in the coming days.

My money

Every week my husband and I pay taxes on the money we earn. Every week we do this because we know it is meant for good. I remember when the Twin Towers were taken down. My goal was to get back to my house and hold my family tightly. The tears that flowed because of the lives lost. The families touched by this act of terror. The war came.....I have mixed feelings about it. I am impressed though that many men and women signed up to become soldiers to protect our nation....me. Thank you. I am also aware that they freely chose to do this act of sacrifice. Some paid the ultimate price... their life. I think that is something that deserves great respect and they deserve to be honored. I will always be grateful. I don't know whether the choices made in the oval office were wise choices or irrational. I wasn't there but we live in a free country so we can use our freedom to write our opinion. What I do know is each month we, as a family, give money to preserve life. Money above and beyond taxes. Freely given because it is for the common good of people. Our money goes to Africa, U.S and where ever we are led to give. The only thing we have is a voice and the freedom to decide how we personally spend our money. Today I am deeply saddened that while we strive to end senseless killing on foreign soil in a war, we have now allowed my money to go to abortions overseas. A right to choice? We send money to preserve life not take it. Are we ending a war to take life in a different means? I am excited to have a President that wants change. I do to, but I am concerned that death will still be the answer to some. I know wonderful people who have committed their lives to go to a foreign country to assist pregnant women in bringing life into this world. They live in difficult circumstances to fight for life. Soldiers of their own kind. Thank you! That is what I desire to see my money go to. And some could say that they do it to recruit people into Christianity. Truth is I can bet they care for ALL people in the name of Jesus but never withhold treatment to any woman. So now we are moving our soldiers off the battle field and putting these people on the battle grounds to protect the helpless. My purpose is not to argue abortion but to wonder why is one way to take life worse than the other? Why is it Ok to send funds to other countries to take a life of a child? I would rather strive for a world where kids are able to have a glass of water and food everyday. Where children are in school and don't fear being pressured to strap a bomb to their body and blow up a neighborhood. A place where children play on the playground and not take up arms on a battle ground. I would rather fight the battle FOR children than to pay to take children. We are in a time where we all have to do a heart check and realize that on either side of the political spectrum- life is taken. And with my money- I want to choose life. So Thank you Soldiers who sacrifice everything so I can write this and not fear for my lifeMissionaries who sacrifice everything to make sure a new life is brought forward

At the end of a long two weeks

So I am on day 11 of low carbs (Can't say no carbs everything has some carbs). Tough few weeks. Mostly I didn't think about it. Yesterday, I almost threw in the towel. I have been working on gaining momentum in Young Life, recruiting committee, leaders and interested donors. And it seems like the holidays have stifled the ministry. I am frustrated and sometimes question why I bother. My two girls are raised. Why should I care anymore? I could go into youth retirement. I could say to other people, I need a break. I have even entertained working at a cosmetic store just selling beauty products. Seems less stressful. Oh how easy it would be to turn away. I have made less than any male in this position and mentally I cannot leave my work at work. So why not walk away?
Once upon a time there was a little boy who was abandoned by his mother at age 4. He has been moved from home to home. He is now 14 and still has no real home. He is still in the schools and still needs someone to walk alongside him. Then there are the kids who live with thier moms who believe they were created for very little. They believe opportunity is meant for the other kids. They believe no one cares. And most don't care now. Most feel abandoned by a city and all the people in it. I can understand how they feel. Everyone is so wrapped up in their own thing that they are not reaching out to help their neighbors. Wealth stays in the wealthy areas.
As you can tell, I am frustrated because in a world full of people, more people are feeling......Lonely.
So why do I stay? Not for position nor money but for those I mentioned above. I am tired, I am frustrated but I am there.

Anthony

So last year we tried to adopt a boy. It was the wrong time. He was 13. Now he is back in foster care and moving to a new home. He wrote me and said he was moving. He keeps in contact and knows we love him. This time his conversation was different. He was sorry and wished he could fix things. That is a huge success. He avoided that for months. He misses us and I miss him too. He is working hard at being a good boy and the world works against him in that. He has been in foster care since he was 4 and knows nothing but the system. He has a battle to fight to grow up and be productive.
Last Sunday I wrote his name on a piece of paper and then Greg had someone pick up a different paper and pray for that acknowledgement of suffering. Someone has been praying. I don't know where this will conclude but I pray that Anthony comes out the winner. Please keep Anthony in your prayers and I know his heart is good.

A day to ponder

Yesterday I was reminded to care for my 40 acres. What I mean by that is I offered to help someone and they did not want my help. I think I pushed my way in, in a situation that was not my place. I feel really bad about it. My intentions were good but I just didn't think my method through. So all day yesterday I beat myself up about it. This person is not a Christian and was deeply offended by my offer to help. I think that is why it is hard to reach out to people.
On a lighter note: I went to Bowie last night. Not many kids showed up to club but it was fun to see the kids.

Day 8

Day 8 means I have 6 more days to go on a total cut of carbs. I can't say I have eaten 0 carbs but no sugar nor flour products. Do you know what has these two ingredients in them? Everything! I get frustrated because I can't have what I want! Like a small child, I want to throw a fit. But the motivator behind not cheating is that I would have to start all over with day 1. So yesterday I was dressing and put on this new belt I bought and went to the next hole. That means I lost about 1/4 inch off of my waist. That is the encouragement I needed. I have learned some tricks on this fast- one - warm broth or drink will decrease your appetite, two- 64 oz of water is hard to drink but if you drink a glass of water when you are hunger you will not eat as much.
So off to start day 8!

Shopping

So I went shopping yesterday. I had to get a new bag of dog food because Newman is picky. I also wanted to find more food I could eat. All I saw was cakes, cookies, bread and all the stuff I could not eat for the next 8 days! I was torture. One thing, I didn't really eat before I left home. Anyway, I didn't find much variety for myself. So I was a little frustrated for the day about my food choices. Only in America. When I have taken trips to Africa, I have barely eaten and I haven't really thought about it. But here- way too many choices. So I will savor the treats I can have and really enjoy the fact that I am feeling better in a health sort of way. Have a great Saturday!

Day 5

So as with anything, cutting sugar and carbs down to the minimal can be tough but it is worth it. I do feel better. I have been exercising and that is my least favorite activity in the world. I have spent the past few days reviewing my notes on vision. The thing about a vision is God has to lead it and while we have good ideas they are not all God ideas. Some things take time to become fruitful. Patience is the key and as long as you are working toward the vision, you have to trust God is doing the rest. For me that is a hard place to be. I can see opportunities and no workers. I think that is the biggest struggle right now. Few workers and then they get stretched doing too many things. So it is trying to be patient and wait on the Lord to open the doors. The biggest thing to remember is at the end of a God ordained vision - is God. Have a great day!

New Day

Day 4 and I am feeling better. It is 7:40 A.M and the day has just begun. I am not grumpy and now wonder what is on the agenda for the day. So much to pray about. The biggest thing on my heart right now is remaining steadfast. It seems like there are so many things to distract me these days. Yesterday I sent out a prayer letter. I was so encouraged by the fact that so many will lift up Young Life in prayer. So many kids, so many leaders and so many kids left untouched. Then there are the kids that are moving smoothly down the right path and the unexpectedly take this detour that changes their hearts and lives. Those are the kids that used to come up and embrace you and now duck when they see you coming. Sin is such a cunning thing. It starts out subtle and then begins to overcome the soul like cancer. It doesn't just happen with kids, adults are not immune. But the commitment is we love them even in their darkest moments and intercede on their behalf. We remain steadfast and pursue them even when they ditch us. I was praying early this morning. I was praying about a certain kid. He reminded me that He is at work and I need to let it go so He can take the reins. As much as my heart may break, I have very little control. I have to depend on Him. On the flip side, when I am out of God's will, I take comfort that God has positioned people to pray for me. Last night after asking for prayer for Young Life- I felt them. I felt like God is before us moving and placing things as they should be. I had read a book about a man-John Hyde. He was a frail man who went to India. His biggest job was to intercede. He cried out to God day and night for "More souls". When he left India, souls by the thousands had come to know Jesus Christ. It was not so much about what he did in the public but in his prayer closet.

Day 3

GRRRRRRRR grumpy. I am not sure why but I eat and feel like I am missing something. Too grumpy to write anymore.

Day 2

Hmmm sugar is my enemy. Ran today and walked and did some sit ups. I haven't recovered from two days ago with the sit ups. I haven't bitten anyone's head off yet. Sugar is my enemy. So no sugar.
Got my heart rate up and that is good. I like exercising at home where I only look goofy to me. I have to go to the store and pick up some more healthy snack foods. Snacks will break me. I am not a huge bread eater. More tomorrow........

If I am going to do this.......

OK so today is the day I start a 2 week low to no carb cleansing. I have been fighting with myself over the extra weight I have gained. So in order to start out right I must confess what this weight means to me.
My weight is a tool used to hide from the world. If I am heavy I feel safe. I was really thin all of my life. Then had kids. Then lost the weight, then saw what that women don't like you to loss weight. Put it back on to assure others they were safe. Ministry is tough. You need to look good but no too good. So I put back the weight and now have to shed it all again. I am sure there will be lessons to learn this time. Like maybe sugar is not my friend. Stay tuned as my family suffers the withdrawals.

Love the word "steadfast"

So this break made me realize that it was a time of shedding. As I was at church and Greg was preaching on repenting, I got this vision of how a snake sheds it old skin. I felt like God was taking these past two weeks to move me into my new skin. It happens each year at various times and it can be unpleasant. I question, wrestle and cry out to Him.
Today I woke and avoided the dentist (I sent Emily instead) and got on my treadmill. Nearly died and then got to work again. My office is in my house and I get up and get started at 7:00 most mornings.
As I have been working (forgot lunch which my stomach is reminding me of) I feel a renewed passion to remain steadfast in all God has called me to do. I can say it is a new day! My old skin has dried up and blown away with the El Paso wind. So on with the journey! Frequent reminders of one of my favorite words "Steadfast" keep me going.
Financially, God is teaching me He will provide for Young Life. As naysayers, wait for the folding of the ministry- God says "remain steadfast" and trust in Him for provisions. I love and hate times of financial depression.
Back to poor Emily at the dentist. Now we find she may have to get braces again along with an expensive mouth full of new teeth. Thanks to the orthodontist, we pulled teeth that did not need to be pulled and now it is causing havoc with all the other teeth!!!!!!!!!!!! Yikes her mouth will be worth a new car. But she is worth it! God will provide somehow. It does make me think about those who go to work and make a paycheck they don't personally by the generosity of others. And it also makes me think of those who are not working and can't even get the first braces for their child. So I remain steadfast in the Lord and His provision.

Things to be thankful for.

Well today is my birthday. Yesterday I was surprised with a treadmill. This was a great gift that Brittney and Moe got me. Then Emily helped Moe put it together. It was heavy! Poor Moe had to carry this up 2 flights of stairs with three girls. It weighed 250 lbs. Emily likes to help Moe with putting things together. Brittney and I are satisfied to see the end results.
I have so many things to be thankful for and here are a few:
Moe-going on 22 years
Brittney and Emily-we are so proud of them. Great kids to have been blessed with!
I love my mother in law. Not many can say that.
I have a great mom. Moe loves her.
I have a house, food and water.
I have stuff that each year I go through and give away.
I always dread this day but today all I can think of is how blessed I am to have the family I have.

Autobiography

To finish my degree in Biblical Counseling I am required to write yet another autobiography. It has to be 3-5 pages based on what I have done since I graduated. I have writers block on this. Most times I just roll the thought around in my head for days or even weeks. That is where I am at.
I have had to do 3 autobiographies for colleges classes. The first one I wrote in a college class at 19. I wrote a lot about my family and my mom. I admire my mother greatly. She is a strong and wise woman. Plus, I was living in Florida and missed her dearly. The other I wrote at 27 when my best friend died of AIDS. This one was my hurt of his passing and just my great memories of hanging out with him. My last one was in my 30's in a Biblical Counseling class. I had to take on area of sin and write about it. This one took me a year. My sin was depression. It was therapeautic. This final one is what have I done with my life. YIKES!
I have found that in this one I am much more silent and the words are not flowing. So I will spend time pondering my ideas. All two days before my birthday.

Time: Friend or Foe?

Last week Moe and I went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Long but good. But it got me to thinking. I have a birthday coming up. I hate the reminder of age and the fact that one more year is gone. I had a pyschology class once and it was on some theory that when people are old they are either disappointed in what they have done in life or content in their life. Each year I see the birthday as a challenge to what I want to accomplish. That reflection causes me to move into action. One year I decided that I needed to go to Africa- that sent me to Africa three times. That was my most dramatic change and a shocker to the family. Imagine your family if you told them you felt called to go to Africa and you had to raise the money. It was a stimulus to see God provide in so many ways since that adventure. Back to Benjamin Button. At the movie I had a revelation: The only time he was really in the moment of contentment was in his 40's. He was a happy natured guy but really fulfilled was his forties. Do you know what we do in our forties? Fret and worry we are getting older. Nothing is in the same place as in our 20's or 30's and you start counting down to the d-day. Death. Benjamin got younger- I think I would prefer getting older. Watch the movie and see. So what has this done to my birthday crisis- well for one I have dreaded the day for years and maybe it is time to rest in the fact that it will come anyway. Reflect and move forward into the next journey. Be thankful for what I have and appreciate all the days I still have to look forward to. One thing that really stinks: Men age beautifully. I think my husband has gotten more handsome as the years go by. I wonder his perspective. Watch the movie and appreciate the stage you are in and be in the moment. They slip away so fast.