Goodbye little one

Dear God,

Please take the precious child you blessed us with into your protective arms. Lord, Keep him safe and happy. May I see him again in heaven. Oh, Lord, how I loved that child. My heart breaks but I look to you to continue him on to his journey of a family......

Wow! I am currently back in time, caring for a baby. Not my own forever but for a time. It is precious but honestly, boring. Not his smile or him but just being home. Today I listen to a message on proclaiming God's word to you and his Word. I have to be honest and say that has not been on my mind lately. Maybe more like whining.

I think I am in a time of a valley and need to listen to God's voice. Some days the dogs and baby make me feel like I am tied down and I get whiney and start complaining.

Today, I read a website of encouragement to a family of a man who has Leukemia. Things do not look good and I am sure each day is like living on a rollercoaster. Humbling to me who is complaining because my life is not interesting enough. So here are my blessings:
Two girls who are great!

23 years with the same man who I met in High School.

Adopting a 16 year old November 20th.

Eathan- a 17 month old who thinks I am the bomb. Who laughs and loves with gusto and smiles a smile that is a true gift. and I get to love him until a permanent family is found.

A home our girls live in

A home we live in

Moe has a good job

We have reduced our debt in a huge way.

So I need to remind myself to proclaim God's word and Word and not get so caught up in what I do not have.

Lonely Birds

The young man did go off and teach the Africans how to read, He did not go alone but he went with a friend. He went with an African. So do we have to do it alone? No. The friends we have surrounding us keep us grounded and strengthen us as we strive to do the Lord's work or just live life. Jesus promised He would send another to dwell within us (Holy Spirit) so we are never alone. Nevertheless, there are times where we need the guidance, support and friendship of others. We are created to live in families, either natural or adopted.I do not think we should be afraid of the "Lonely Birds" but strive to use the time alone to be with the Lord.
I had someone tell me that he has a hard time believing God is interested in his life enough that God is looking over him. That God is distant. I think if you take this journey alone, you will feel that. God is always with us, but we also need others to walk with us. We need a hug or encouraging audible words and God created man to do that for Him. Jesus came in the flesh to demonstrate in the flesh that He is with us. Jesus left behind the Holy Spirit that dwells within each believer. He also created man to walk together. A friend who walks with you, challenges you, and just supports you is a gift. It is a gift that can last forever. It is an adventure that you share with your friends and as time passes, you develop "Koinonia". What is Koinonia? The meaning of koinonia holds the idea of joint participation in something with someone, such as in a community, or team or an alliance or joint venture. . Koinonia is a mature love that loves hard, tough and with compassion. It is an understanding of a person that goes beyond words or unrealistic expectations. We are all flawed and it is having people who can challenge us and then lead us to a deeper relationship with Christ and we lead them in the same way.As we mature in our relationship with Christ and face the challenges in front of us, we should always look to others for the help we need to succeed.

The Lonely Birds

Moe and I have loved this movie called The Power of One. I think what strikes me is when the main guy is a little boy who lives in South Africa during WWII. He loses his father, mother and is put in a German school where they hate him. His only friend is a chicken an African gave him. The German kids kill it. Anyway. He speaks often of the "Lonely Birds". He is a lonely kid who in the end makes a difference as a man. He loses everything but then instead of taking a college scholarship and gaining success, he runs off to teach the Africans how to read and write.

I am beginning to wonder if people who do great things have "Lonely Birds". To lead something that is different and will challenge people, some will actually hate you, puts you in a lonely place. Maybe the loses he suffered also prepared him. I don't believe God creates the loss to make us stronger but maybe He uses our losses to strengthen us to pave a new direction and challlenge the status quo. Maybe he uses our pain to move us to a place where we give from a brokeness that comes from suffering.

Maybe we are to be come friends with the "Lonely Birds", so we don't live to please man? Just thinking.......

The problem I have.....

I live on a street where there are white,brown and black people. Our kids play together. They are not discussing politics. Just shooting hoops, riding bikes and waiting for the ice cream truck.

With that said, I don't understand the whole issue of the Arizona law. I don't live on the border in Arizona. I don't know what they feel. I don't know that fear. I won't take a position. I live in a city where the gates open and people from Mexico travel to the U.S and work. They show their passport and work here. Americans cross to Mexico,show their passport and work in Mexico.

I think what bothers me the most is when you watch the protests, the police are getting trash thrown at them. Quite honesty, I don't know why they come back to their job. The disrespect they are given. Shame on us as Americans. As they stand and get insults hurled their way, they have to take it. Being accused of being Nazis or whatever slurs come out of the mouths of people. People they are AMERICANS. Family men and women risking their lives for us. Are we profiling that ALL police are profiling?

I watched the riots in Greece, heartbroken, feces thrown at the police. My question is were they the ones to sign the bill into law? No, but they are committed to maintaining peace. Do we forget that they have families? They are human. Why then, when protesting for human rights, do we think it is OK to abuse the very people we count on to protect us in times of danger?

After 911, everyone praised the Civil Service PEOPLE (individuals from different backgrounds) for bravery and a few years later we are ready to accuse them of profiling? Do you think they have enough time or desire to be checking papers at an Ice Cream store? They have plenty of other issues to deal with? Like arresting murderers and such. Really? Have we demonized the police that much?

So whether we believe in the law or not, are we really ready to disrespect those keeping us safe? The jury is out for me on the law. But not for the compassion I feel for those who took an oath to keep the law. Hmm maybe the jury is still out for them. Maybe they know loved ones who are not legal?

For all of those who do not believe this law is fair, I think you just took on the personal challenge of helping the illegals from all countries learn the law, English, how to apply to become legal and help them get good wages. If you agree with the law and you let illegals clean your house, do your yard work, Shame on you for being a hypocrite.

I love my neighborhood. I love that when I call 911, I get a response. I love seeing people raise their hand and pledge their allegiance to the flag, as my ancestors did. I love seeing the pride a person has who has sacrificed so much to become an American. I hate the fear in the gut of people I love who are afraid they will be discovered. That fear is hell. That fear is a prison that employers can use against them. Especially now, with all the violence in some of their countries. (Not just Mexico) And my stand is to pray that all people stop the personal profiliing we do everyday. We are all guilty of that at one time or another. I am not an exception friends. I have fallen into this too.

Thank you soldiers, police officers and all other services who committed to keeping the law and order in our country. You help me sleep peacefully each night.

Weird place

So I am in a weird place right now. I honestly don't know what my next step is. Doors are closed but I don't even see a window opening. I know I am in the right place, I am just unsure of where I am to go. So I wait....and wait...and reflect on life and enjoy the blessing of being able to wait.

Lately, I have been looking up my family history. It is amazing how you feel connected to the family before you as you see their names on a census record. I have not found any amazing connections yet but I am quite proud of my family roots. American farmers......Lived in one part of the country for over 200 years. They took care of the land and helped nourish Americans. They were just regular folks. They were not afraid to work hard.
I think we have to get back to understanding our history.... why we are Americans and stop apologizing. We have a rich history of people who overcame many obstacles. They did this to care for their families and live a good life.
I am proud of my family history and I am proud to be called American.
As we drove through the West this weekend I saw such beauty. I thought of those who came before us and how hard that trip must have been. I thought of the lives lost trying to get to California. I thought of my grandma as she traveled from California to Illinois. Such deep rich history we forget to share with our children.
I also felt a sense of loss. Lately, my prayers have been that as Americans, we remember. We remember what made us the country other people wanted to come to. That settlers were willing to die to become. That we never forget the past. I worry about the future and where we will be. Will my great grandchildren say "this is the generation that lost that freedom"? The generation that got so busy being entertained that we forgot to tell our children about our ancestors and what they did to bring us freedom. Good and bad. If we don't share the bad...we are at risk to repeat it.
I ask myself - have we forgotten the simple folks that came and tilled our land? Have we forgotten the simple people who had a dream? Why are we buying food from other countries? Why are we willing to let fear control our decision-making? Why do we think the government can take care of us? Why aren't we doing that in our family? I want my grandchildren to enjoy freedom over anything. Over videogames, trips, toys, or hand outs.
As far as I can see, my family tree represents the true roots of this country. Nothing flashy but real people who did their part.

What a mom notices.

Dear son,

I know life seems such a struggle sometimes. I am sorry you were dealt the cards you were given. I know it seems as if you are misunderstood by so many. They see you as lazy and don't care. But dear son, I know you do. I know you are one day going to rise up from within and take the reigns of this life you have been given and move forward. Until then, I will be your mom, your advocate and your friend. I will notice the little things that make you special. I will watch you at 16 and see the 4,5,6,7,8,....year old who seemed to have been forgotten. I see the little guy who lost so much. Who just wanted a family. Who just wanted to be regular. But you are not....you are my special boy who brings a light to my life.
I occasionally glimpse your way and watch how your bottom lip quivers. You don't know it but your mom does. I see you are a joyful soul even when life gave you nothing to be joyful about. I see the little boy sitting on the couch watching TV with me, whatever home improvement show, just to be near me. I see the man you are slowly becoming. I see the gentle man you are to the ladies. I see the special gift you are to me. I see how things get jumbled up in your head and frustration begins. I see that you are trying to do well but life seems so hard at times and you slack and just give up. But son, I am waiting for the day that you rise up from within and you take full control of your life. I wait for the day that you come up out of that water a new man. I wait for the day that you understand that the very things that kept you down, will be the very things you see victory over. I am thankful dear son, that you are who you are. I wait for the day that you see that you were never alone and that the strength you gained was from your Father. I am your mom and I love you dearly. We may not look the same and sometimes that is hard, but our hearts will be forever knitted together.

Love,
Your mom.

ADD in life

For many years I had ADD when it came to staying on my "Forty acres". I would wander to other pastures and love on kids. As I leave Young Life, which has been part of my family's and my life for 10 years, I am at peace. It is the right time. This leaves the question of what is next? I would like an answer but guaging what my life has been like, I think it will be good.
As I rewind the time at Young Life I see faces of so many that still make me smile. I am so proud of them and love them all dearly. I am blessed to have the freedom to walk away but also to have been there. So for now my journey continues.......To where the Lord guides.

Foot Prints by the Swing

I was in the back yard last week and felt a great need to sit in the swing. To capture a moment of Arlene. We brought the swing she had on her front porch to El Paso. It was the only piece of her we needed. Arlene would wake up in the morning and sit on her swing and watch life pass by. When we lived across the street...the girls would wait for grandma and grandpa to go out on the swing because they would be able to run across the street and see them. There were many laughs on that swing. Many grandchildren sitting with Grandma as she sat there with them; listening to the wonderfully squeaky voices of her grandchildren. Songs were being sung, theater right before her eyes, games and just grandma rocking them to sleep. So many memories were created on the swing. So many peaceful times just being with someone.
As I sat there, I noticed footprints of someone else sitting there. Someone whose grief goes unnoticed at times. Someone who rested there probably thinking the same things. Grief looks different for everyone. But I know that when we all sit and remember her on that swing, we all remember the good.
This spring there will be flowers in bloom, some tomato plants within eye shot and maybe a few snap dragons. Things planted in the ground that we saw around that swing each year.
As time goes by, our grief will subside, but the swing will be a quick reminder of a fine lady we knew and loved.

Is it really true?

Is it really true that you love me no matter what I do?
Is it really true that you are with me through and through?
Is it really true that I can look to you?
Is it really true?

I am pondering these thoughts. I am leaving ministry for a time. A time to really reflect on why I do what I do.

So often I hear and even have said that God loves us no matter what we do. But I have yet to really believe that. Why? You wonder? Well because at the very moment I rest in that fact God loves me no matter what- someone says we need to "Do".

I think I will spend time finding out what the Lord says about this. Until then I think it is wise for me to "be" and not "do". I am not sure Americans really get what it is to be fully and completely loved by the Father. I see glimmers in people and that inspires me. For a time I need to see that in myself. I need to turn off the voices of guilt and discover the love I once had which was really the motivation for what I did.