Lets just say....

I have trust issues. I check and recheck things to make sure they are going the way I planned. I make sure my money is safe. I make sure my kids are safe. I question things. Then this morning I found I was ripped off by someone. I don't know this person he intercepted a check I sent to a friend in Zambia. He changed the amount, date and then wrote who it was to go to in Chinese. My amount went from 150 to 5500. So as I am sitting at the computer with my hair sticking out in all directions- I see that everything is gone from our account. Checking and savings. And our credit card was used for overdraft protection, to the LIMIT! My hair was sticking out and then even more so.
I panic as any normal person would and call immediately. The soothing words of the person on the other end. Oh, that is fraud. It is OK we will credit you back and take care of this. Person in China BEWARE! they will find you and make you sorry you did that to us! Well most likely the bank will have to absorb the debt. I have a copy of the original check. So whapppp! my extra security measures played out this time. Now to deal with the even bigger trust issues that have developed because of my experience.

Dear God

Tonight I hear the fatherless crying out... Who will rescue them....I have fatherless boys reaching the fatherless and all I can ask is where are the fathers of this community? I don't need someone to start their own ministry to reach the very same kids we touch but I need men to step up and take the lead to walk with me and be willing to give to kids who need dads. Positive male role models.
God....where are they?
You promise that the fathers will reunite with their families and all I see are mothers living in poverty, trying to keep a roof over their children's heads. Where are they?
Drugs, abuse all could be stifled in the life of a boy if..... they had a good male role model. I see it all the time. Kids don't flock to me as much as a strong man who loves the Lord. Someone who will hang out with them, not preach to them and leave...but...be their friend....show them how to be a man.....
I am sure I am not alone in this prayer. I am sure many women that are trying to raise up the children are wondering why their bed is empty and where is the man who helped them create the children. Even though creating a child does not make a man.... where are they? I cry out for the fatherless..... I stand in the gap for these boys and girls who need a protector and friend. Father please, send me men to minister to the fatherless.

What is it?

So I am at a crossroads in my life. I will see my youngest graduate this May. I have successfully completed one job in my life. Being a mom and a wife I believe was the most important thing I could have ever spent my time and energy on. I love being a mom and that does not end with a graduation. Now I look forward and see freedom and I am intimidated. I don't know what is next. I don't know what to pursue.
I keep seeking the Lord and He is strangely silent. I know one thing is I can't wait to be debt free. Ha ha. Every time we look at that possibility something else comes up. Why is it that I have not been the person who knew exactly what they are supposed to be doing? Each new direction I have sensed a burden but not this time. In the past, I kinda fell into a position and knew I was to be there but I can't say that I knew it all along. So as I look at the open sky filled with opportunities- I wait to see what is next in my life.

Two things stood out for me today

1. A friend from Zambia wrote me concerned for me and the currents economics. I am humbled by the compassion of my friend who is surrounded by loss. I found myself thinking about how much we have and am embarrassed to share our suffering since it seems like so little in comparison. I have learned so much from my trips over to Africa and what a person needs and doesn't need.
2. A friend asked me to pray for her family because her cousin was murdered in Juarez. Again, humbled because so much suffering goes on all around us. The numbers of deaths in Juarez is staggering. My heart hurts for my friends. Not numbers or statistics but somebody's family member.
So much to ponder today. So much to thank God for in my life. So much love to recieve and give before my days are over. Be blessed because we truly are.

Loosely committed.

I am afraid we have created a generation that does not know what commitment means. If things are not working then we tend to give up. Marriage is no longer seen as a permanent commitment. In fact, if you are not happy then it is Ok to get out of a marriage. No matter that your kids suffer and odds are the next relationship will not make you happy all of the time either.
Kids have "friends with benefits" which means they can make out whenever they want and not feel the least bit bad about it since it is just sex. I think it is sad that we as married couples have not been honest that all marriages go through hard times. Times of questioning your love for your spouse and maybe even forgetting why you married in the first place. It takes work and it takes commitment even when your feelings are not what they used to be. It is through this time that you can choose to give your marriage and feelings over to the Lord and work through the rough patch or give up. I think those who end up on the other side of working it through will tell you that they grew closer when they allowed themselves to pray for the other person.
Commitment is not based on feelings nor on convenience. Commitment is loyalty that goes beyond the flaws you may see and is a great desire to lift the other person up, even when you don't feel like it. Commitment requires us to be selfless and not selfish. Jesus is that example and we should look at that more often.

Out of my comfort zone

Last night I took 5 teenage special needs kids to a Young Life Capernaum club. It was a trip. One boy laughed all the way to the club. He was dancing in his seat and just having a great time. Another girl was heart broken after club because a leader didn't love her. He was funny and she decided she loved him. So she left all sad and broken hearted and told me so. She quickly recovered. It is so fun watching the kids just be teenagers. But teenagers with an honesty and freedom that is not like the other kids. When they are sad - they let you know. And if they get the opportunity to dance they will dance! It was uncomfortable because I did not know them but great because they really didn't care if I did or not. The kids knew each other.
They played games and had a lot of fun. I think for the kids it is a place that they have to learn to trust. Crazy games where people are laughing with them and not at them is different than high school. The kids will spend the weekend with family and most likely not friends. Their freedom is in the mind only- they will not be as free as the other kids. They see themselves as teenagers but the world can't see beyond their uniqueness. So I was blessed to be their transportation to a place where they were free to be themselves. I know God delights in the kids and their club each time they meet. So beautiful and simple and I am blessed to know people in the city that went all out for about 20 people with special needs. Capernaum leaders rock!

Almost gone

Last night I woke up and felt like me finger was a rock. Seriously no feeling and it was just limp. I had been sleeping on my hand and my ring had cut off the circulation. If I had not woken up I could have lost my finger. It took a few hours to feel my finger. Not good. Well I had been having my hand fall asleep for months. Now I know it was the rings cutting off my circulation. There is still an indent in my finger. Imagine how I would look running around without my right pointer finger. Now I could turn this to a philosophical learning lesson, but I am not. I am just thankful I woke up and took the blasted ring off!